Satire

Why Snooki is going to be a great parent

By: Katie Allison

Nicole Polizzi, a reality star from MTVs hit show Jersey Shore, is making headlines. After years of trying to conceive a baby on the Jersey Shore the wait is finally over. Snooki who is 4' 9"(6’ 1” with her heels) and longtime husband Jionni LaValle found out they were expecting while spending a quiet and low key New Year's Eve in Las Vegas.  The happy couple set off right away to tell their parents who were elated to hear the news although not surprised as it was expected for some time. The 24 year old Snooki and her husband are a match made in heaven. They met at their grandparent’s nursing home while serving tea during the annual checkers tournament.

The power couple hasn’t let anytime go to waste as they are already planning a very cultured, educated and well-rounded life for the new incoming little meatball or gorilla baby. The “J-Shore” couple has decided immediately after the baby is born they will pamper and get the baby show stoppn ready. This means hair spray/ hair gel, a manicure, fist pumping lessons, and the all mighty tanning beds and spray tans. The baby will make its first public appearance at the hottest club in town, Club Krama. (as any celeb baby should.) Here the first time parents can teach their little baby gorilla/meatball the proper way to dance and socialize. In addition, other important lessons that the Snooki and Jionni hope the baby will get out of this experience is how to make new friends that will want to come over and play and how to dress like a respectable lady or gentlemen before leaving the house. They also really hope the baby will learn the difference between a dime and a grenade!  

                Snooki and her husband told their families of their plans to travel coast to coast once the baby is 13. They decided the best way to enrich their child’s knowledge is to give it an experience where it can see first hand how people from different coasts ect.  The soon to be parents are ecstatic to use that opportunity to teach their first born that not everyone is the same, but there is no reason to treat someone different based on where they are from. The hope is that their child will see that it’s a great thing and that everyone can bring something different to the table. Snooki added “After all you can’t have a real ragger with only beer. Variety is the spice of life, and you never know what new dance move or drinking game you’ll learn from the new kid at the party!”

                Mother Snooki raves that she can tell from the baby’s kick that he is going to have a “cute nose and blue eyes.” She says that because she “still has an inny belly button that she know the baby will have a “j-tastic” way with words.”  She hopes the baby will follow in her foot steps and become a “New York Best Sellers List” kind of author. The parents hope that all the experiences and opportunities they expose their child to will give him plenty of material to write about in his books. Snooki said in an interview with the New York Times.  “One thing is for sure this baby is blessed to have such a extremely smart and intuitive gene pool, so really everything should work out for it”. 

                All in all there is no denying that Snooki and loving husband Jionni will be fabulous parents to their first child. Any child would be lucky to grow up in such a secure, and mellow, and humbling environment.